Beeep Beeep Beeep 

It's April 2021 and my alarm on my phone wakes me up. As I take a deep breath, I hear the same dialog that’s been going on in my head since the moment I admitted to myself:

I am powerless over Addy prescription…

Over the past decade, I've been convinced that my use of Adderall and other stimulants has contributed significantly to chronic pain, particularly in my neck and back—the areas that tend to bear the most stress. While I'm not a doctor, I trust my personal experiences and intuition, especially after being misdiagnosed and prescribed these medications initially.

Everyone has a story about how and why a substance became their coping mechanism. It's a destructive way to deal with the underlying biochemical and psychological processes at play, seeking a distraction to help them endure during tough times. This is how Adderall and Vyvanse became mine…

Altruism is the principle and practice of concern for the well-being and/or happiness of other humans or animals above oneself. I would like to think I am naturally altruistic but I’m not sure I could say the same in my years of Adderall and Vyvyanse addiction. I was so focused on number 1, that I didn’t have room to be.

The goal here is to try a new method to combat our Adderall/Vyvance cravings. Sounds overwhelming right? Well, I thought so too. The good news is, it’s not such a daunting practice. This blog post is all about how you can use the mindfulness practice from The Craving Mind by Judson Brewer to get to the other side of your Adderall/Vyvance cravings.

When I was addicted to Adderall and Vyvanse, I experienced an all-consuming obsession with the drug. It was the first thing I thought of when I woke up and the last thing I thought of when I went to sleep. Naturally, this left no room for anyone or anything else. My sole focus was on the needs and desires to achieve success and maintain the weight Adderall and Vyvanse gave me.

Mindfulness and awareness have been the key to my success in staying Addy Free, and I didn’t even know it. After all, I’m not a professional in the subject. I’m just a girl who conquered an Adderall addiction and wants to share the message that mindfulness and awareness helped me beat cravings and can help you too.

I've been Addy Free for two years and three months now, not because of 'willpower' or a 'higher power' like in AA. My Addy-free journey continues because I've realized that the drug offers me no benefit. If you're reading this, you probably share this understanding. Congratulations, self-awareness sets you free!

So far, my experience in Scotland Addy Free has been everything I could have hoped for and more. Before I became Addy Free, I never got to fully enjoy where I was in that moment because my mind was always racing towards whatever was next, never truly taking in what was in front of me. I’m now able to slow down and be present, able to take in everything around me. I no longer have to deal with the comedowns of the drug of exhaustion and irritation, affecting not only myself but also those around me. Finally and best of all, the need to drink copious amounts of wine is gone. As cheesy as this is, I am drunk on life.

You can think of your addiction to Addy simply as a “mental obsession”, according to AA’s Big Book. Or “brain disorder,” if you are looking for a more scientific definition from the National Institute of Drug Abuse. Basically, your addiction to Adderall lives in your head. That is why, in order to help combat cravings, my favorite advice I've learned in rehab is to simply: Get outside yourself.

My absolute favorite time to take Adderall or Vyvance was on the plane. Some may call it strange considering plane rides are a great time to catch up on sleep, especially to make the time of departure to arrival speed up, but for me, it was the exact opposite. I wanted to be alert, and I wanted to make the most of the time I had where I was forced to be still—nowhere to go 1,000 feet in the air—even to the bathroom when the Captain requires your seatbelt to be on and securely fastened. I couldn’t even find someone to talk to (talk at rather) with the wifi being disabled, plus the person sitting next to me was usually sleeping. It was the addict's heaven, surrounded by humans yet totally alone: me and my drug of choice.

Focusing in the classroom or on my homework while growing up has always been a difficult task for me. I remember one particular incident during my sophomore high school chemistry class where I got my finger stuck in my desk while clearly not listening to the teacher talk about periodic tables (side note: I just had to google what you discuss in chemistry). This incident derailed my poor chemistry teacher's lesson for 30 minutes as the class tried to find ways to get my finger unstuck. We weren’t on the best of terms after that.

I tend to get super overwhelmed with my to-do list. I have a hard time prioritizing what’s most important and end up just cleaning instead. When I was on Adderall, this really didn’t look any different I was just high and speedier.

I tend to get super overwhelmed with my to-do list. I have a hard time prioritizing what’s most important and end up just cleaning instead. When I was on Adderall, this really didn’t look any different I was just high and speedier.

Addiction. It’s a daunting phrase. We hear about alcohol addiction, heroin addiction, meth addiction, cocaine addiction, and even shopping addiction, but why doesn’t anyone ever talk about Adderall addiction?

I started taking antidepressants about a year and a half after my accident in 2013.  At the time, I felt deep shame that I needed a drug to feel like myself again, however, I quickly repressed that feeling and started to like the idea that by simply taking a pill, it could magically “fix me”. Although I now have come to peace with antidepressants and their healing benefits, my mental space at the time raised a red flag that I was looking for an easy fix to help me cope with a trauma that took internal work.

After Rehab, I made a decision to continue living my life as I had before I had discovered Adderall without sustaining from alcohol. This was a lonely time for me because I didn’t have a community to turn to such as “AA” of people who were going through the same challenges as me, remaining Adderall-free in a world with so many temptations and could keep me accountable to stay clean.

I was 12 years old when I was told I needed to be on medication for ADD. The authority figure was a combination of teachers, school counselor, psychiatrists, and my pediatrician. However, I was not prescribed Vyvanse until I was 16.

“What’s your why?”, it’s become a trendy statement. Workout instructors use it every time a plank becomes a little too long, corporations use it to help their employees understand their purpose within the company, and motivational speakers ask their audiences this to get past a fear holding them back. But they never talk about the "why" you tell yourself that may not be true.