What ‘why’ Are you telling yourself

“What’s your why?”, it’s become a trendy statement. Workout instructors use it every time a plank becomes a little too long, corporations use it to help their employees understand their purpose within the company, and motivational speakers ask their audiences this to get past a fear holding them back. But they never talk about the "why" you tell yourself that may not be true.

I was never honest with myself about why I actively sought out a doctor to prescribe me to Adderall in the first place. Why required me to slow down, be still, and really listen to the voice inside my head that knew my truth.  I wasn’t willing to take my chances. The why and the lie I told myself were justified by external forces: the teachers and authority figures in my life who labeled me, well-intentioned friends who benefited from the drug themselves, and all the societal pressures such as staying “thin” and successful which I knew this drug could help me achieve. 

I remember the day of my doctor's appointment, speed walking through the streets of Georgetown, ignoring not only those around me but the anxiety in my body that was screaming, telling me to slow down. The truth was that why I was seeking out Adderall was being I was convinced it was an easy fix to all the hard things in my life. I was scared to slow down and feel the fear I had after graduating college of being in a big city on my own, not wanting to ask the why questions that scared me the most: why can’t I have a pizza without the thought of wanting to starve myself, why do I not feel complete without a boyfriend, why was I fired from my first job when I worked so hard? 

All of these questions were legitimate problems of a young 20 somethings female. All of these questions are scary but they could have been answered with perspective from a therapist or a trusted authority figure, and within myself. Fast forward to a year after I had listened to the why and lie I told myself and I am at an unhealthy weight, irritable and impatient, obsessively thinking more and more about myself and less about others. It was too late to slow down. I was dependent on a drug that was literally designed for me to speed up. I was ignoring the chronic pain from the constant moving and sleepless nights, the depression I felt every time the drug wore off, and those around me that were concerned about how I was behaving. 

On July 11th, my body couldn’t take it anymore. I started feeling my heart race and the blood drain from my face. I couldn’t breathe and had to lie down. My body was forcing me to slow down. All of a sudden, I lost the ability to form words. I could no longer speak, I could only listen to the voice inside my head that was telling me the truth, the real why. That I needed help. I needed help because even at that moment when I was experiencing an anxiety attack, a feeling that truly felt like near death, I still wanted Adderall. It was 5 days later that I checked myself into Rehab.

The answer to your why is within you. It might be scary at first, but it will ultimately be what guides you. Helps you live your truth, keep you safe, and experience life in the fullest, most joyful, most authentic way. I am excited and overjoyed for you to listen to your truth.

What why are you telling yourself?