Addy Free

I tried Adderall for the first time to study for a history test I didn’t think I could pass. Since the age of 10, I had been labeled with a “learning disability” and connected with a girl in a similar situation—she had been prescribed Adderall for that very reason.

We took the pill together, and I felt a euphoria I had never experienced before. I took her 20 mg dose, and when it wore off, I took another, and another, until I felt nauseous. But the high was strong enough to make me forget the discomfort. We stayed up all night, lost in deep conversations, accessing thoughts I never realized were within me.

Ironically, I didn’t remember a single thing we studied. I ended up getting a C on the test—despite cheating. The guilt weighed on me so much that I confessed to my parents and teacher about cheating. But I didn’t admit to taking the drug. I knew that if I told that secret, I’d never be able to take it again.

And just like that, the seed of my Adderall addiction was planted.

2014 - 2nd time I took Addy:

The second time I took Adderall was during my first year at Stetson University. It wasn’t a school I had dreamed of attending—but then again, I never really had a dream school. I never felt confident in my abilities when it came to education, nor did I feel worthy of pursuing it. So, I avoided the topic of college altogether until it was time to apply.

My SAT experience was a disaster. I spent the exam drawing hearts in the bubbles and writing “I need extra time” in place of answers. With my C average and no SAT scores to submit, my options were limited. Stetson didn’t require SATs and was actively trying to fill its student body, making it one of the only schools I could get into. When I received my acceptance letter, I didn’t believe it was real.

Once I arrived at college, reality hit—I didn’t want to be there. I was desperate for a way out. But the belief I had carried since childhood—that I wasn’t smart enough to succeed on my own—made me feel trapped. Then, like an alarm going off in my brain, I remembered that “magical pill” called Adderall, the one that had given me motivation to study. The consequences of not actually learning anything? Those didn’t even cross my mind.

I hunted down Adderall like a mouse searching for cheese. And to my satisfaction, it worked—at least, I thought it did. Looking back, what actually “worked” wasn’t the drug itself but the motivation and false sense of confidence it gave me. I passed those tests on my own. But what I didn’t realize at the time were the negative side effects: I became irritable, selfish, hyper-focused to the point of obsession, and anxious. I suffered my first anxiety attack during a test—and instead of looking inward, I blamed everyone but myself.

2015-2018 - College:

I finally got into the school I wanted—but not for the education. Hell no. I wanted a southern school with cute guys, tanning weather, a wild party scene, a cool sorority, and the full southern experience. And I got exactly that.

But keeping up with this crowd wasn’t easy. I’ve always been someone who gets tired easily—if I couldn’t stay up late at 10 years old, I definitely couldn’t as an adult. Ding ding—ADDY. I remembered how it gave me endless energy. Not only that, but it let me drink more without actually feeling drunk. And the best part? No hangovers—I’d just pop another pill the next morning and feel fine.

Plus, I still had to pass my tests to graduate… so it felt like the perfect solution. And since everyone around me was taking it, it seemed totally normal, right?

I took Adderall to help me prepare for job hunting—but it was hell. Instead of focusing, I was overwhelmed with anxiety and unable to concentrate on the task at hand. I did everything except research jobs. I cleaned, worked out, spent hours on the phone, drank—and when it came time for Zoom interviews, I completely bombed them. The drug convinced me it was helping—numbing my fear of rejection with happy chemicals and making it impossible for me to ever sit down.

I stopped taking Addy for a year after I did finally get a job, plus, I didn’t have access anymore. I was in the real world. I’ve learned over time that when you do any substance, it keeps you stuck and doesn’t let God or the universe enter your life, guiding you where you want to be. You’re too numb and distracted. And so it’s no wonder I applied for a job that was so wrong for me. It was an administrative job, and no matter how hard I worked, administrative work has never been easy for me. It triggered all parts of the self-limiting beliefs I developed in school. It took me longer than my coworkers to learn something they made seem so simple which made me feel inadequate and incapable and so, I shut down just like I had in school. Unfortunately, this was the real world and you can't shut down in a job. Instead of hand-holding, I was fired.

2019 - The beginning of the end:

Once I was off Adderall, I was finally able to reevaluate my life. For the first time, I asked myself what I was actually good at—and it turned out, a lot of things! Most notably, sales. I had a natural ability to connect with people, something I had been told my whole life but never truly believed because the negative voices in my head were always louder.

I landed a sales job at a sports and entertainment company and quickly excelled. But then, one day, a friend mentioned she was taking Vyvanse—a drug similar to Adderall that I had used in college. Like a rat in a cocaine experiment, my brain lit up. Can I have one for work?!

And just like that, I was back on the addy bus. The bus that drove me all the way to the sucker who gave me a prescription.

2019-2021 - In my addiction:

So many moments in my addiction were screaming red flags.

I went through a breakup—likely because of my irritability from Adderall, but also because the guy I was with wasn’t aligned with who I truly was. Remember how Adderall blocks your gut instincts, cutting off guidance from God or the universe? I was completely disconnected from what was right for me.

I never processed the breakup. Instead, I popped an Adderall the second it happened and kept taking more until sunrise. I convinced myself to just keep moving forward, focus on work, and get skinny.

Skinny? I got.
Work? I excelled in.
Mental health? Diminished.
Relationships? Disappearing.

My family grew concerned about how thin I was getting, and all the anger and confusion I felt toward myself spilled onto everyone around me. I was lucky I didn’t lose my friends.

Then COVID hit, and everything spiraled further. Before, I could distract myself with work, socializing, and going out. But now, I was furloughed, stuck in a 500-square-foot apartment, alone with my thoughts. And yet, I kept taking Adderall—because it was the one thing I looked forward to.

I started 10,000 projects I never finished. Cleaned my apartment from top to bottom. Read 10,000 books I never retained. And, in the midst of it all, I attracted yet another man who wasn’t right for me.

I had admitted to myself—and to my family and friends—long before checking into rehab that I was addicted to Adderall. But every time I tried to quit on my own, I failed. The cycle of making promises to myself and breaking them over and over again shattered my confidence. The hamster wheel of hell kept spinning, and this time, it wasn’t fun anymore.

I cried myself to sleep. I missed big events. My mind was consumed by one thing: Addy.

Then came the breaking point—a full-blown panic attack, the kind where you truly feel like you’re dying. A medic team was called, and as I looked at my mother, I whispered something that shook me to my core: “I still want Adderall.”

That near-death experience was my wake-up call. It was the final straw. So, I checked myself into rehab.

2021-Living Addy Free:

Graduating from rehab with the confidence that I would never take Addy again felt like a victory—but that first year was hell. I gained 18 pounds, which led to a serious eating disorder, and I felt more alone than ever. I had to reevaluate my friendships—I couldn’t be around people who still took Adderall. And for those I couldn’t walk away from, I had to learn not to project my experience onto theirs.

I was lucky to be dating a man who was incredibly empathetic and supported me through it all, but I still felt isolated. I needed a community. I needed people to talk to who truly understood. And that’s how Addy Free was born.

In rehab, I learned that vulnerability is power. When you open up about your biggest fears or insecurities, people feel closer to you. And those who reject you? They’re often struggling with their own issues. I was no longer afraid to admit I had gone to rehab—I was proud of it.

I wanted others to feel validated in their experience with Adderall addiction and dependency—to know that it’s real. When a doctor prescribes you something and tells you that you need it to function, of course, you believe them. But the most important thing is to believe in yourself. You know what you need, and when you’re ready, you will succeed.

I’ve learned that community—human connection—is the most powerful tool in the recovery process.