Adderall addiction… it’s real

Addiction. It’s a daunting phrase. We hear about alcohol addiction, heroin addiction, meth addiction, cocaine addiction, and even shopping addiction, but why doesn’t anyone ever talk about Adderall addiction?

10 years ago, I first took Adderall, and since then, my life has changed forever. For the first few years, my love for Adderall was nothing different than that of my friends and fellow college students; I took it primarily to study for exams. Soon thereafter, Adderall became my party drug to stay awake longer than my typical grandma bedtime of 9 p.m. and to make it through a long game day of 85-degree South Carolina weather and lots of beer. Eventually, the drug followed me into my young professional life and became a necessity to function not only at work but on the weekends. My obsession with Adderall grew, and my mental and physical health couldn’t keep up. I ended up in rehab, and this blog is for those who are struggling with the same problem as I am and don’t have the resources or tools to help find their way out.

I’m no doctor, psychologist, therapist, or any kind of certified mental health expert. I’m just your average girl who was wrongly diagnosed with a pharmaceutical drug that turned into an addiction. Hopefully, you will be able to relate to my stories and use the tools I’ve learned in my recovery journey to help you.

So strap in and get ready for my first-ever blog post... You’ll see I’m not an English major either.

Here Goes Nothing…

This is my first ever blog post, and I’m starting here for selfish reasons: I want to remind myself why I quit the drug in the first place and why I have such a strong need to share my story with you. It has now been one year and six days since I took Adderall. My body still gets a physical reaction, similar to the study of rats on cocaine, when I say the word in my head. I somehow lose all inhibition and memory of the hell the drug put me through and crave that perfectly curated release of serotonin and dopamine that took me to a state of euphoria I never imagined was possible.

Why I Started Taking Adderall…

I remember the first time I took Adderall, I was terrified for a test that was coming up (I was never great at school; that was one of the main reasons I fell in love with the drug, but that’s for another blog post). At the time and stage of my life, Adderall wasn’t yet considered a "party drug". I knew kids my age took it for ADHD and was always envious that it helped them in school, especially with learning disabilities of my own, but I had parents that were strongly against the drug and believed I could make it through school on my own. But I was a C student at a school with mostly A students, college was approaching, and I was desperate.

I remember two different feelings before I took the drug, anger, and guilt. I knew taking an unprescribed drug was illegal and destructive behavior, but after 17 years of teachers taking me out of class to learn with a separate group and labeling me as "disabled, leaving to go to a motesory school because I couldn’t handle a school that all of my peers and relatives had attended, getting "___" to a school not because I was considered smart enough but because I could afford it, and then getting looks of disapproval from teachers and my peers for the questions I had in class, if this magic pill that was supposed to help kids like me make it, then fuck an illegal act and possible damage to my body, they MADE me do it.

What Happened After The First Pill

After I popped that first pill, it was game over. I felt a state of happiness and calm I had never felt in my life. I felt whole. I could finally think clearly while I studied without all the anxiety and demons in my head telling me I couldn’t do it. I felt like Superwoman. Not only that, but every action I took became more and more riveting. I was excited about the smallest thing, and my body had this tickling sensation I felt from my smile to my feet. I was hooked. Once the drug wore off, the depression and guilt that overwhelmed me were like nothing I had experienced before. Little did I know that this was just the effect of what happens when your body comes off a hard drug.

By the time the test came around, I didn’t have access to another Adderall. I missed that false confidence I felt once the teacher placed the test on my desk. My mind went completely blank, and I couldn’t remember a thing I had studied for while I was on the drug. This was the first time I had ever cheated on a test.

A Reality Check…

So let’s pause there. While taking Adderall, I felt I could conquer the world, I felt smarter and more efficient than I had ever been in my life. But once the test came around, I didn’t retain a thing I had studied and ended up committing an immoral act that went against the values I had for myself. If I had really reflected on that first experience with Adderall, you would think I would have noticed how the drug made my mind think faster than I could retain it and how the crash felt worse than the high, but... nope.

Quite the opposite. I wanted that feeling of confidence in myself in relation to school that I had never felt, and the ease of not having to do the hard work to get there. Adderall became sacred and magical in my mind. A rare object that could transform me into what I believed was a better version of myself with one swallow. Little did I know that this was the beginning of a 10 year obsession that ended at rock bottom.

Here is what Adderall actually did for me:

Made me feel I was never enough, constantly go go going until the high was over and I had to take another

Gave me a false sense of confidence on the inside that others found aggressive on the outside

Took away my authenticity

Blocked all of my real skills such as people skills, creativity, and kindness

Created a debilitating sense of OCD and perfection that was never attainable with my body

Led to dark thoughts I never believed were possible such as self harm and even death

Life without Adderall - How it’s going:

Now, why am I putting myself through reliving such a dark time in my life? Because, even now, a year “sober” from Adderall, having accomplished more than I ever have while on the drug, I still miss it sometimes.

I miss it because it’s so much nicer to take the easy road, but I’m a living example of what I’m sure you’ve heard so many times, that nothing easy in life comes easy, the best things in life are hard work.