Adderall, Vyvanse, and the FIVE stages of grief
Day One Of Rehab Living Addy Free
Everyone has a story about how and why a substance became their coping mechanism. It's a destructive way to deal with the underlying biochemical and psychological processes at play, seeking a distraction to help them endure during tough times.
This is how Adderall and Vyvanse became mine…
The Accident
When I was 17 years old, I was in a snow tubing accident where I broke eight bones and suffered a concussion. By some miracle, each bone broken was a hairline fracture except one that resulted in a “clean break,” which means it would take less than a year for my bones to properly heal.
However, while my bones might have healed, the internal trauma I suffered from the accident did not.
In that same accident, my good friend, who was along with me on the tube, flew off in the opposite direction as me, hit a snowmobile, and passed away.
The Aftermath
Just like after any tragedy, life goes on. While the loss of my friend weighed heavily on my heart, my mind was in survivor mode. I was in the most crucial years of my high school career, which would determine what the next step held for my future. I made a conscious decision not to reflect on the past or ask why. Why did this happen to me and my friend? Why did I survive and she did not?
Denial
They say that there are five stages of grief:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
Denial became my safe space. I found it easier to not live with the reality of my situation because it was too painful and confusing to process. Without even realizing it, I was searching for something external to alleviate the internal pain the accident had caused. I was looking to feel good.
Boys
What better way to feel good than to fall in love? My obsession with falling in love became my first drug. Kesha's assertion that love is a drug is supported by scientific evidence. Researchers have concluded that falling in love is much like the sensation of feeling addicted to drugs with the release of euphoria, including brain chemicals like dopamine, oxytocin, adrenaline, and vasopressin.
But in high school, love is fleeting.
Once I got to college, it was clear I needed to part ways with my high school vise and find something stronger. Especially because, after a year of my denial stage, the next phase of the grieving stage began creeping in…
Anger
Anger for the pain I started feeling from the scar tissue and joint damage from an accident I was literally and figuratively a passenger of. Anger that I was at this college in the first place since I spent the last two years of my high school experience surviving versus preparing for my future.
But I remained determined to keep moving forward and avoid becoming stuck.
Enter Adderall and Vyvanse.
That’s when I remembered the ultimate ways to keep moving forward. The prescription drugs: Adderall and Vyvanse.
Before the accident, I tried the drugs once, not with the intention to numb, but simply because teachers and classmates suggested I might need it due to my poor grades.
When I first tried this drug, I remember feeling the confidence I was lacking to face another hard exam. But now, two years later, after a traumatic accident and unprocessed emotions, I feel something completely different.
I felt whole.
The drug's extreme release of dopamine provided my brain with the euphoria and sense of well-being I had been craving since the accident, when I was in survivor mode and using my survivor state to propel myself forward. I could study continuously, day and night, to overcome my current circumstances, alleviate the physical pain from my injuries, and find happiness and contentment amidst the uncertainty.
Adderall and Vyvanse… my friend in anger
I was no longer stuck in denial. Adderall and Vyvanse supported me through my anger. I didn’t know how to feel. Was I supposed to feel guilty that I was alive? Was I supposed to feel lucky that I was alive? Was I supposed to feel sad for my lost friend and her family? Instead, the dopamine gave me an instant, temporary feeling of extreme happiness in my current situation.
Unsustainable
My friends Adderall and Vyvanse over time became less of friends and more of opponents living in my head. I was competing to feel the high the drugs once gave me, but I was competing with an internal battle no human being could sustain.
The drug side effects of obsessive thoughts were all consumed by how much weight I could maintain and how many clients I could persuade to buy the product I was selling in my job.
Worst of all, the comedown was so strong that it took a toll on my mental well-being. The thoughts I had at night while I was coming down were so dark due to the trauma I still had yet to process that I used other forms of numbing, wine, and weed to fall asleep.
Bargaining
The bargaining stage of grief is about stepping outside of anger and into acceptance. Now that the drug was affecting other areas of my life, from the irritability I projected on my friends and family to the person I turned into after combining the stimulants and alcohol, I was scaring my current partner. It was time to make a change.
I felt an immense amount of guilt that I was choosing to spend my second chance at life this way.
I had to literally bargain with myself about the risk of temporary relief or long-term destruction. Incapable of getting off the drugs on my own, I chose rehab.
Depression
It is proven that when you get off Adderall and Vyvanse, your body can go through a depressive state. The drugs strip your body of its natural dopamine and serotonin leading to dependency and when I quit, my body was going through withdrawal.
Acceptance
In Rehab, I gained the tools through daily therapy, guidance, and spiritual practices such as the 12 steps to ultimately bring me to the acceptance I needed to rid myself of the drug and move forward.
I was forced to be still and feel for the first time in 10 years and feel.
five lessons I from experiencing the five stages of grief on drugs:
No matter how hard it is to face your reality, it is imperative to your healing.
You need to feel to heal.
Resentment and anger keeps you stuck in victimhood and excuses destructive behavior.
Don’t bargain your values. Once those are affected, it’s time to make a change.
Purpose is the opposite of depression. A belief in a higher power and something bigger than yourself will give you the perspective you need to get outside yourself, choose life, and accept your current circumstances for what they are with love.
